Fascinating Authors

Chapter 8: Packing With Care

My Calling Plan

When my kids were young, I was operating a parent-education business out of my home. Phone calls were a touchy issue since people were often calling for parenting assistance. Having my children act up while I was on the phone would be embarrassing to say the least.

I decided I had to come up with a plan before any big problems could arise. I wrote down a list outlining what I needed from my kids when I was on the phone. I kept it short and created simple rules to follow, complete with rewards and consequences. I explained my strategy to my kids in little pieces (my kids were two and four), and we practiced it with phone calls to friends and family. We developed a secret code for when the phone call was really important and both kids understood that nothing short of an emergency should interrupt those calls.

When possible, I’d plan my phone calls to happen during our afternoon quiet time when the kids were typically napping, drawing, looking at books, or colouring. When the phone would ring or before I’d dial, I’d announce what I was doing and start the call. If they got too loud (playing) or tried talking to me during the call, I’d give the prearranged signal that I shouldn’t be interrupted. If they ignored the signal, I would ask to ring the caller back and hang up. My kids then went to their bedrooms where they would stay until I had phoned the person back and finished my call. There was no discussion or negotiating once I hung up—the damage had been done and the consequences were calmly enforced.

If they quieted down after the signal (or never required the signal), I would finish my phone call and we’d celebrate our success. Our rewards were things like playing outside, eating a Popsicle, watching a favorite show, or playing a game of their choice.

When the phone calls weren’t prearranged, it was a bit tougher but still worked. If we were in the middle of some high-energy game when the phone rang, I either let the machine get it or would ask if I could return the call. If I needed to take the call, I’d signal to the kids and make it up to them afterward.

On other occasions, my kids would be playing nicely when I answered the phone but a few minutes into the conversation would start acting up. When this happened, I’d give them the signal or, if necessary, ask my caller to wait while I let them know I was on the phone. If my kids cooperated, I’d finish my call. If they didn’t, the rest of the plan went into place.

This didn’t work all the time, and my kids definitely tested the plan. I found that because I had a plan and had been clear about it with my kids, it was easier to stay calm and put consequences in place when things went awry. Although I thought I might be embarrassed to have to interrupt my phone call to deal with my kids, the callers seemed to understand and were often thrilled with my process. I also became aware of the amount of time I was spending on the phone and made a conscious effort to decrease my daytime calls.

Overall, my kids became pretty respectful when I was on the phone, and I experienced very few annoying or embarrassing phone situations as a result.

Some other telephone tips I’ve heard over the years include the following.

• Have a basket of toys that come out only during phone calls.

• Have a grab bag with little (dollar-store) items the kids can “grab” from.

• Have a special snack bag with treats the kids get to eat only when their caregiver is on the phone.

• Take a moment during a lengthy phone call to stop and praise the kids for good behaviour. “I really like the way the two of you are playing so nicely while I’m on the phone—keep up the great work!”

• Create a chart that the kids put a sticker on every time they successfully allow you to have an uninterrupted phone call, which eventually results in a reward.

Our Hidden Baggage

When it comes to parenting, we carry a lot of baggage with us. This pack of information is made up of techniques and strategies that were used on us in our youth, whether they worked or not, whether we liked them or not. In other words, if a teacher made us stand in a corner with gum stuck to the end of our nose, the idea of humiliation will be something we carry. If we really didn’t like how this strategy felt, we might believe we would never use it and not even know we are carrying it at all.

Interestingly though, it is there and sometimes will resurface in ways we never imagined. For example, you might warn your child not to choose grape drink to bring in the car because if it spills (again) it will make a mess of his clothes. It spills and now there is a purple stain down the front of his yellow shirt and beige pants. Frustrated that he didn’t listen to your wisdom, you make a big deal out of how awful it looks, telling him he should be embarrassed of his stained clothes. You then take him along to all the stops you had initially planned making jokes with other adults about his purple shirt. Sound a bit like humiliation?

The important piece to understand is that this idea, right or wrong, is in your parenting pack. The teacher might or might not have done it to be mean. You might or might not use it to be mean. The fact remains that, in both cases, humiliation was used to try to force a child to think about what he has done, recognize his error, and behave better the next time. It is something you know and therefore bring along with you.

This explains why we will catch ourselves doing things that we swore we would never do. Or how we can open our mouth and hear our mother’s words come tumbling out. These actions can create a feeling of guilt and sense of failure if we aren’t aware that they are with us. Those strategies that were used on us often, or that were accompanied by intense emotion, will always be around.

When we need a parenting tool, we reach into our pack and pull one out. When we are stressed, angry, or otherwise bothered, we tend to reach for tactics that have an element of hurt or punishment to them—not because we are bad people, but because we are looking for a strategy that fits how we feel. When this happens, and the child doesn’t seem to care about the consequences, we will reach for something harsher.

The challenge becomes learning new ideas and practicing with them so we can replace some undesirable punishments with ideas that fit our parenting philosophy. Like any new plan, the tendency will be to go back to the familiar. If we resist that urge and make ourselves use our new skills, over time we will become more comfortable with new strategies and less likely to use the ineffective old one.

So, if you find yourself standing over your child, waving your finger, and telling her she is very, very bad, know that your mother (or teacher or coach) has not just teleported in and taken over your body. Instead, you have grabbed a tactic from your parenting pack that someone else has given to you. You still need to take responsibility for your actions, but at least this can help you understand your response and perhaps be a bit more forgiving.

FREE Parenting Tip: Our parenting pack is made up of strategies and tactics used by other people to get our attention when we were younger. We carry this pack wherever we go, so it’s a good idea to know what’s inside.