Guest Blog – Chitra Kallay: The Flat on Malabar Hill
Joint Family
When I started writing “The Flat on Malabar Hill”, I planned to describe family life in India as I had experienced it. As the book progressed, I began unwittingly to draw comparisons between life in the U.S. and life in India. So I thought I would write today about the “joint family,” where more than one family live in the home.
Unless they leave the city, either for college or for a job, young men often continue living in their parents’ home. Why spend the money on rent when you can have the home cooked comfort of life as you’ve always known it? So when a young man marries, he brings his wife to live in his bedroom in his parents’ house. Yes, sometimes it can be very difficult for the young bride.
There are horror stories of the harsh older matriarch expecting her daughter-in-law to do much of the work. If the family is not upper middle class, this work could include all the cooking (which will never taste right), cleaning all the dishes, pots and pans (forget dishwashers) washing all the clothes (forget washer and dryers). When I was in India, most of my friends who married did, in fact, live for a while with their in-laws. They stayed in one bedroom, had all their meals with the whole family, told their mother-in-law where they were going if they went out. They were not treated badly; they certainly were not expected to do all the manual labor. Often, however, there was the tinge of disapproval hanging in the air, the roll of the eyes, the snort and the shaking of the head. It might have been real or imagined. At any rate, the friction was of varying degree and definitely felt. If the young husbands were successfully anchored in a career, the brides began a campaign for a separate home of their own.. When they achieved that goal, they were happier because now they could visit the in-laws when they chose.
On the other hand, the joint family has some advantages. Put aside the American view of independence for a few minutes; go with me on this ride. You are a young bride who has come to her husband’s home in a new city. You know no one. Your husband goes to work all day—you are at home. But in this case, you are not alone. Your sisters-in-law take you to town. They take you shopping. They take you the movies. They introduce you to their friends, who will become your friends.
Then you become pregnant. You have the worst morning sickness. Your mother-in-law lovingly gives you herbal medicines which make you feel better. She cooks all your favorite foods. When the baby is born, everyone falls in love with this miracle you produced, and you are pampered along with the baby.
One of the most difficult things a new mother in the United States deals with is the loneliness that engulfs her when she stays home to care for the infant. She is away from her friends and her work. If the baby is cranky, if it shows any symptoms of pain or illness, the inexperienced mother is helpless and frustrated. She begins to feel depressed and could spiral into the now diagnosable ailment, post-partum depression.
No so in India in the joint family. When the baby cries, many experienced hands quiet and soothe the baby when he is in pain. Grandmothers and aunts abound, each willing and eager to help. The new mother has time to spend with her baby and take naps when she’s tired. She does not feel isolated because she always has someone to talk to. If she feels crowded, she can go into her room, close the door and be alone. If she chooses to go out with her friends, she can do so knowing her child is in loving hands at home.
And there is comfort for the older couple as well. As they age, become ill or just plain tired, they can draw solace knowing their son and his wife will care for them. It is the way things are done. Very few “assisted living homes” exist in India, even in the big modern cities. An old person will always have a place in his son’s or daughter’s house. When I lived in India, most of my friends lived in a three generational family—grandparents, parents, children. I did too. My grandparents lived with us until their death. Each generation looks after the one that came before it and the one after it.
Both the Indian and the American ways have their advantages. As for me, personally, I did not marry an Indian, nor did I live in India after I was married. I cherished my independence, but…When my children were born, my mother came from India to help me and stayed for several months. Having her with me was invaluable and I would not trade the bonds she formed with my daughter and son for all the world.
