Fascinating Authors

Passing Our Kids the Torch

When our children are young we make a lot of decisions for them. What they can eat, when they should sleep, how long they should stay outside, how much TV or video time they can handle and so on. Making these decisions is not easy but most of us recognize it as an important part of our job.

The theory is that as our kids grow our restrictions and limitations will start to slowly ease off, and our kids will be allowed to make their own decisions and be guided by their own thoughts and feelings. If we succeed with this task we will raise happy, well-adjusted, independent thinkers who, by the time they are adults, will be ready to make good, informed, decisions and contribute in a healthy way to society at large.

As with most theories things do not always work out this way.

For one thing, when is the right time to let go and allow our kids to start truly calling the shots? There are no obvious markers telling us they are ready to carry that torch without starting a major fire or burning their own hand. I mean, even as adults we make poor decisions at times, so if we are waiting until they are definitely ready with no risk of “doing it wrong” we might be doing this job forever.

I am a strong believer that to teach people how to do things for themselves we have to give them opportunities to practice—make mistakes—and grow from those situations. I do not believe a certain age will suddenly equal ability or create an interest in something they might not have been mature enough to handle the day before.

For example, where I live children are not to be left alone until they are twelve years old. Interestingly at twelve they are also assumed capable of looking after other—younger children (there are some exceptions for siblings). Does this make sense? If you can’t be left on your own when you are eleven and the next day you turn twelve…how do you suddenly know how to look after yourself, never mind kids younger than you?

Of course with proper leadership and opportunities being created to allow a child to practice he or she can be more than ready at twelve to take on this responsibility, but it is not turning twelve that made that happen.

Knowing when and how to let go is something every parent will eventually face. There is no simple answer as every family situation is a little different and therefore unique to the people involved. There are a few things that will definitely make the process easier, like building strong relationships, allowing choices from a young age, practicing mutual respect and role modeling clear and reasonable boundaries. Allowing our kids ample opportunity to try, make mistakes and grow as a result will also help our kids practice important life skills.

In the end, we as parents have to make these decisions on an individual basis. Some kids will seem ready to accept that torch earlier than the “socially acceptable” age. Other’s will take much longer and might always appear at risk of starting fires along the way. In both cases, we can never be certain they will take that torch without messing up and causing bigger problems. This is interesting, because as a parent it is our uncertainty that we might be messing up and causing bigger problems that stops us from passing the torch in the first place.