Guest Blog – Jill Byrne: Step on a Crack
FORTY-SEVEN YEARS
To Mothers: It has never been harder to be a child.
There is much information available today regarding the devastating ramifications of blatant child abuse. However, much less has been addressed about the power of a more subtle abuse.
Much of the impact we have on a child is obvious. Maybe even more of it is so subtle we don’t even see the connection between what we do and how a child may perceive our actions. And this can start long before the baby is due.
An article by Dr. Vijai Sharma titled Stress During Pregnancy Can Affect a Child’s Health reports, “Many mothers during pregnancy face extremely stressful circumstances…” causing “constant stress, shame, loneliness and sometimes clinical depression during pregnancy or after giving birth. …Some (babies) will later become hyperactive, under active, inattentive or temperamental and exhibit poor self-control,… Not everyone understands that the problems a child exhibits today may have resulted from events that occurred before birth. …All of us want happy children. Happy children grow out of happy babies. Happy babies are born to happy mothers.”
My mother never recovered from her second pregnancy. Her first child was a daughter born fifteen years earlier and the apple of her eye. The change of events involving my birth, turned her world upside down and her attitude and life were never the same.
As a preschooler, I was admonished for incorrectly carrying bread. Years later, the direction I stirred my cereal became of paramount importance.
I often say I was born depressed. People used to laugh and say okay Jill stop exaggerating or don’t be so dramatic, but now there is proven research to back me up.
Had I been born to a mother who embraced her pregnancy, my life would have been significantly different and/or easier.
Forty-seven years.
In high school, I took an introduction to psychology class and unlike others in the class who immediately had all the symptoms of each mental health malady, I recognized only the signs of depression were true of me. I remember one winter night riding home in the car with my mother while she was addressing a number of my shortcomings. In exasperation, she turned and asked what I thought was the matter with me. I tentatively offered that I might be depressed.
“What a ridiculous thing for you to say. First of all, you are too young to be depressed and secondly, you don’t have one thing on earth to be depressed about. Don’t ever say something like that again.”
My depression didn’t come out of nowhere. I’m not sure why she was depressed. It could have stemmed from issues with her own family growing up, “the times” that stifled her ambitions, or simply being saddled with to her what was her “late life baby.” Certainly there were no cigarette burns, no broken bones. In some ways it felt that might have been easier. Something tangible would have made more sense.
Out of the blue my mother took my dog to be put to sleep without telling me.
There is something about the unexpected jolt. I understand why I am overly sensitive to it. Today, whenever I see a parent carrying an infant in the popular baby carrier, I can’t help but tune in. It becomes especially bothersome for me if the adult is carrying other items as in groceries or involved in a phone conversation. That carrier may be perched in a position of a tilt-a-whirl and/or banging against the adult’s leg or car door. It is important to think about the impact of those actions on that clean slate they are carrying. The baby didn’t ask for a carnival ride as he/she begins to expect the unexpected. (or treated with little regard.)
The unexpected jolt, both literally and figuratively, has long lasting implications.
You never know when it is coming.
You can never prepare for it.
You are never the same after it.
Forty-seven years.
What you say can have more impact than you might first believe. For example I never left my house growing up without hearing my mother’s last word cautioning me to BE CAREFUL. Now that may sound like a simple, logical thing to say, and surely everybody has said that at sometime, but that constant admonition has cost me a lot psychologically. First, it rooted my fear based life stance. I always left the house being careful. Careful of what, I didn’t know so I grew to believe danger was everywhere and it might spring up when I least expected it so I needed to stay on hyper alert. And may I say a constant long-term alertness is exhausting.
Forty-seven years.
One thing I learned early: there are caring adults out there in life who make a difference whether they know it or not. I appeal to each of you to examine all the opportunities you have to also show kindness to others; children and adults alike.
In closing, there are four suggestions I would like to share.
1. Stay away from chemical substances, don’t smoke and eat well.
2. Find or make a support group. No one understands us better than someone going through the same thing. Such a group can provide a needed reality check.
3. Find a mentor. Someone you look up to. Ask their advice.
4. Consider it important to nurture yourself. Set aside time (at least 15 or 20 minutes each day) for you. Do things that make you relaxed and happy. Remember happy babies are born to happy mothers.
Forty-seven years
What is behind forty-seven years? It is the good news that after forty-seven years I recovered well enough from the effects of a “difficult mother.”
Unfortunately, some of us never recover. It is important that we pledge to impact the young people in our lives with a fresh understanding and gentleness.
